“Re-sculpt Downs” to solve flooding say planners

A property company wanting to build a new town in rural Sussex has today unveiled a radical solution to building on the flood plain.

April Fool!
The company plans to reclaim thousands of acres of waterlogged land by “borrowing” tonnes of porous chalk from The Downs and using it to raise the level of the site.  Technical blueprints for the scheme show how chalk could be reclaimed from southern aspect of Wolstonbury Hill and transported by eco-truck to low lying sites in the Adur Valley.

Massive bucket-wheel excavators would be used to re-sculpt The Downs

Spokesman for the project, Will Utwigg admits the move will be controversial, but says the plan would create an opportunity to build thousands of flood resistant zero-carbon homes.

“This kind of engineering is commonplace in other parts of the world,” he says. “In the Netherlands whole towns have been created in this way. And in Hong Kong, Chek Lap Kok Airport is built on an island reclaimed from a nearby mountain.

To boost tourism the new excavated site will be aptly named ‘Heaven’s Dyke’ to be twinned with the old ‘Devil’s Dyke’ just 4 miles away.

“Due to its geology, Sussex is ideally suited to this project,” he added. “Cretaceous chalk is the perfect sustainable solution to flooding due to its ability to naturally store excess water under the surface.  The whole area will be totally re-engineered to withstand up to a 1 in 1000 year weather event.”

The whole area will be totally re-engineered by raising the level to enable thousands of flood resistant zero-carbon homes to be built.

The proposals have been met with horror by environmental groups who say it would cause devastating and irreparable damage to the National Park and destroy important wildlife habitats in the Adur valley.

However, the company claims these concerns are unfounded and says the project would enable them to sculpt a second ‘Devils Dyke’ at Wolstonbury, creating an exciting new tourist attraction:

“Devil’s Dyke is one of the most popular tourist destinations in the UK,” says Chairman, Lord Phil Theeritch. “Our proposal will not only solve the housing crisis in Sussex, but also enhance the landscape and boost tourism. By excavating the site we will be able to forge a new mile long valley – an iconic ‘Heaven’s Dyke’ to be twinned with the old ‘Devil’s Dyke’ just 4 miles away.”

mega trucks
Impressive 300 tonne Lilium-emitting e-trucks would become a familiar sight on local lanes.

And, says the company, ‘Heaven’s Dyke’ will be just the start: Once the chalk spoil arrives on the lowlands it will be used to reshape unruly waterways and river corridors. Landscape architects have already been employed to look at the feasibility of modifying existing woodland and hedge rows to accommodate the new high quality eco-lattice environment.

“Our final design remains fluid while we engage with local people, businesses and councils,” says Lord Theeritch. “Our plan will incorporate all the benefits of a large scale community very much along the lines of the Government’s ‘Garden Settlements’ – an exciting, sustainable ‘Garden Ghetto’ in a desirable Downland setting.”

Although the proposals are still at a very early stage of planning, specialist Dutch Engineers will begin technical ‘Koecunbuil’ geological surveys next month.
“This is an exciting project for us,” says Chief Engineer, Lars Laaff. “This is the first time we have applied our methods to Chalk, but this rock has similar properties to cheese… and moon rocks are our field of expertise.”

Looking West from Wolstonbury Hill towards the chalk quarry which would be extended to create Heaven’s Dyke.
Hong Kong International Airport was built on a largely artificial island reclaimed from Chek Lap Kok and Lam Chau.


Join the discussion and tell us your opinion.

  1. John Howie

    Ha ha ha. Brilliant. For the first few paragraphs I was completely taken in, and read on with horror about this so called proposed housing scheme, and desecration of the Downs.
    However I then looked more closely st the names, Phil Theeritch (Filthy Rich), and the Dutch engineer (Koechnbull – ‘cock and bull’) And of course the date, 1st April – best April fool in years.
    Really just emphasises the total idiocy of the Mayfields scheme, and their naked, wanton greed, and need to make money at any cost, no matter who suffers, and how much of the hallowed English Countryside is trashed forever.
    Great April fool. Well done LAMBS.

  2. Pam Williams

    Absolutely brilliant! However thinks these up is a genius – can’t wait for next 1st April

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